TALK TO ME

By Deborah R. Turner

"Will you please sit down and talk to me for five minutes!" Janet demanded as her husband prepared to go to a mens' breakfast one Saturday morning.

Dan stopped with his hand on the door knob and looked back at his wife in surprise. Janet rarely demanded his attention so this must be important.

He hesitated, considering his options. He really wanted to be at the mens' breakfast; he'd been looking forward to hearing the speaker for over a month. He looked back at Janet just as the timer on the dryer buzzed loudly. A horn honked in the driveway. The twins, Chad and Scott came thundering down the stairs dressed in Little League uniforms and carrying weekend bags.

"Did you find my mitt, Mom?" one of them demanded, grabbing up cap, mitt, and sack lunch.

"Mom, he's got my lunch," the other charged, trying to grab his brother's sack.

"They're both the same," Janet answered firmly, handing one to Chad and one to Scott. "Now get going. Coach Peters is waiting for you. Be good and I'll see you Monday afternoon. Did you put your toothbrushes in your bags? Remember to thank Mrs. Peters for letting you spend the weekend." The boys rolled their eyes and rushed out the door.

The phone rang. The dryer still buzzed. Dan reached for the doorknob again. And Janet burst into tears.

Dan stared at his wife. She never cried. He could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he'd seen Janet in tears. Turning from the door, Dan flipped open the dryer and reached for the phone, telling the caller Janet would call back later. Then he sat down at the kitchen table. She'd only asked for five minutes. He figured he could give her that and still be able to hear the speaker.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked gently, hoping she'd stop crying. He felt so helpless and awful when she cried. Like someone who'd just kicked their pet puppy.

"It was nothing important," Janet answered, trying to stem the flow of tears. "I just wanted to talk like we used to. Lately we've been so busy with work, your school classes, Little League and church that we do little more than say hello and goodnight. I feel like I don't know you anymore. Won't you just talk to me and tell me what's happening in your life?"

Dan reached across the table and wiped a tear off Janet's cheek. The topic at the mens' breakfast was `How to Keep the Magic in Your Marriage.' Somehow he had a feeling good communication was part of that formula.

Abandoning his plans for the rest of the day, Dan did as Janet requested and told her about his job and the interesting things going on at work.

He listened while Janet expressed her desire to stay at home and be with the kids more. She wanted to go to school and be a gemologist, to start her own jewelry business out of the home and sell her jewelry at trade shows and craft fairs. Dan had always known Janet loved gemstones but hadnt realized her secret ambitions. When she showed him the brochure for home-study courses, he realized that they could pay for it out of a bonus he was getting at work. When he said yes, her beaming smile was the best reward.

Janet found out Dan had a dream of buying a yacht and sailing around the world. While not practical at the moment they needed to finish working on the old Victorian house they lived in Dan had found a boat they could work on for a few years if she was willing. She thought that was a great idea and would involve the kids, too.

The weekend flew by as they relearned things about each other and their marriage that had been buried in the bustle of everyday life.

Communication is one of the hardest things to keep alive in a marriage. All the many things that must be done during the day leave little time for a husband and wife to communicate with each other. What passes for communication in many households is little more than an exchange of schedules and finding out who's going to take the kids to all their different activities.

But real communication takes time and energy. It means getting to know how your spouse feels and thinks. It also takes praying for your spouse and your marriage.

So how is this accomplished?

1. Set aside some time everyday to talk. Easier said than done, I hear you say. My days are completely full to overflowing now. Where could I possibly find anymore time?"

This may take some planning and effort to make it happen. But that's okay. Anything really worthwhile does take effort. Resort to pen, paper, and calendars, if need be.

Or take a walk. Theres no better way to get away from everything and get some exercise than by taking a walk. My husband and I will go to a nearby park that has lovely walking paths and talk. Often weve come to a meeting of the minds while meandering along the forest trails.

Be careful not to fall into the trap of scheduling the next day's activities. It will use up all the time you've allotted yourself. Plan your schedules earlier in the day - like over the breakfast table with the whole family. Again, remember this is your special time with your spouse.

2. Use the time you have to tell your spouse the things that are in your heart. Plan your future together - a holiday, finances, a new home, whatever. Dream with each other. Remember, dreams don't always have to be based in reality because dreams are what keeps one going through the rough times. Dreams soften the rough edges of reality by giving you something to hope for.

3. Listen to what your spouse is saying, not only with your ears, but with your heart. Empathize and commiserate with his pain and hurts; rejoice with him in his joy and happiness. One pastor I heard used to say, Hear my heart. Its important to hear the emotions and not just the words.

4. Don't judge each other. Disparaging each other's thoughts and dreams in any way is the fastest way to kill the communication you are trying so hard to establish. Instead, encourage your partner to express his or her true feelings.

Okay. So sometimes you start out poles apart, one wanting one thing, and one wanting something else. What do you do then?

Well, you could argue about it, saying they other's idea is stupid, expensive or just plain not feasible. Or you could listen to what they're really saying hear their heart -- and try to work it out. See if there's some sort of middle ground. Sometimes it isn't easy. If you really don't agree, shelve the discussion until a later time when you can deal with it rationally.

5. Touch each other. Touching is as simple to do as holding hands or putting your arm around your spouse. It expresses your affection and often shows your interest in the other's feelings.

Many times when my husband and I are on opposite sides of an issue, the very act of holding hands forces us closer together. Its our way of saying, I want to bridge this gap. I want to hear your heart. Its hard to stay mad at each other while were holding hands.

6. Last, but not least, pray with each other. Whether it's at the beginning of your time together or the end, prayer is essential. One pastor I knew recommended that couples take ten minutes in the morning and ten in the evening and pray with each other. Pray for the needs of your spouse, for their job, their employers and co-workers. Whatever is important to them. Pray for your marriage and the bonding you seek. Pray for a oneness in spirit.

Yes, communication takes lots of work and prayer. But the important thing is to talk, to open the lines of communication and keep them open. So the next time your spouse says, "Talk to me," don't hesitate to do it.